2 Pennies Worth » Relationships

Four Types of Love

design7 — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 15:18:58 +0000

I think that as Christians we tend to believe that if we are really nice people and always happy, that people will know that we are Christians and will want to pursue a relationship with Christ. However, that is just not true. I know quite a number of the nicest people I know and they do not have a relationship with Jesus. In fact, they are nicer than quite a number of Christians that I know.

However, if you really want to know how the world is to know who it is that is truly living out a relationship with Christ, open up your Bible and check out Luke 6: 32-36. Jesus makes it pretty plain and simple right there.

To also help make my point, I came across a rather poignant excerpt from The Magnificent Defeat by Frederick Buechner that I want to share on the four types of love:

The love for equals is a human thing – of friends for friends, brother for brother. It is love for what is loving and lovely. The world smiles.

The love for the less fortunate is a beautiful thing – the love for those who suffer, for those who are poor, the sick, the failures, the unlovely. This is compassion and it touches the heart of the world.

The love for the more fortunate is a rare thing – to love those who succeed where we fail, to rejoice without envy at those who rejoice, the love of the poor for the rich. The world is always bewildered by its saints.

And then there is the love for the enemy – love for the one who does not love you but mocks, threatens and inflicts pain. The tortured’s love for the torturer. This is God’s love. It conquers the world.

The later was Christ’s outlook while mounted on the cross wearing a crown of thorns and watching some soldiers gamble at his feet for his garments. As His followers, He asks nothing less than that from us.

Special thanks to Francis Chan for putting all of this into perspective (Crazy Love).

Nurturing Your Marriage: Tip #3

design7 — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 15:25:55 +0000

Again, I want to stress that I am not a professional marriage counselor. However, what I have learned about marriage comes not from having the perfect marriage, but less than perfect marriage. This allows me to learn first-hand some important lessons with regards to saving your marriage or maintaining the spark that lasts for the duration of your vows (which last time I checked was for the rest of your LIFE).

Tip #2: Regularly Date Your Spouse

Too often, marriages get stuck in the week-after-week routine of life between work, chores, children, schedules, activities, etc. The last thing we often make time for is each other and going out on a date becomes a once-a-month (maybe) event. Now when I say “going on a date”, I don’t necessarily mean having to go outside of the house, perhaps getting a paid sitter for the kids, and spending a lot of money on an expensive date.

Making time for a date night can be as easy as spending an hour together and just focusing on each other at home. The important thing is to make the time and do it often.

After a serious crisis time in our marriage several years ago (one in which some marriages would have perhaps split apart), we set apart one night a week (for us it was every Thursday night) and we went out. We had a friend who volunteered to come and hang out with our kids for free, and we would go out for a walk, or coffee, or a movie, or dinner. The point was, we made “US” an extremely high priority in our schedule. That was crucial for us in allowing our marriage to heal and grow.

There is one thing that I need to stress regarding the “date nights”: Men and women connect relationally on different levels.

Men can bond (with other men or women) by sitting and watching a game on TV or going and seeing a movie together. The connecting time can be spent without much talking done. It is more of sharing an event or moment that men feel connected by.

Women on the other hand bond relationally (with women or men) by communicating. Talking about issues, feelings, current events is what allows women to bond.
I say this because it is important for a marriage to recognize these fundamental differences. If a husband does nothing but suggest they go to a movie everytime they go out on a date night, the wife will become resentful and discouraged. Likewise, if a wife suggests that everytime they go out, they just get coffee and sit and talk, the guy will become less likely to desire these times. The best thing would be to switch off every time. One time, a date night might be renting a movie and cuddling on the couch watching it, the next might be going for a walk, finding a nice spot to sit and just engaging in conversation. The main thing is that each person is bonding the way they tend to bond.

If actually scheduling these dates help, do it. If nothing else, it says to each other that you each matter and that “US” is just as important as “THEM” or “IT”…

Nurturing Your Marriage: Tip #2

design7 — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:28:03 +0000

If you are like me, communicating things to your spouse usually comes in the form of passing ships in the night. In between running errands, work, tending to the kids, you usually try to catch up on the day with a mouth full of toothpaste while getting ready for bed. And this is usually for the small things of the day. Many times the things we would like to say to encourage or show love don’t get the time of devotion that they need.

Tip #2: “Notes”

Leaving notes of affirmation or encouragement are a great way to communicate to your partner. Even better, try hiding it in a place that they will later discover it… perhaps even days after you have written it. It allows for a sense of surprise. They can be as simple as “Thank you for working so hard this week” to “I think you are the most beautiful person”.

Another suggestion would be to get a pad of Post-Its that are a very unique and specific color (say bright pink). This allows the little “love notes” to be easily spotted (attached to a coffee mug in the cupboard for example) by your love and not overlooked or missed. If done by each other and routinely, it can even become a fun romantic game to see where to creatively hide the next note and what the message will say.

You might even leave one attached to the tube of toothpaste…

Nurturing Your Marriage: Tip #1

design7 — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 17:19:13 +0000

I am not going to begin to proclaim that I am an expert on marriage. My wife and I are going to be celebrating our 13th anniversary this year. But our journey as spouses has been met with its own set of challenges that come in different seasons of our lives. And through it, we have discovered that marriage has its valleys and mountains. The valleys are the times when you feel more like roommates in co-habitation, than lovers. Do you ever feel like that? The mountains are the times when you feel so very close to each other, you feel connected, and are reminded why this person brushing their teeth next to you is the love of your life.

What I have gathered and what I have observed comes not only from my own first-hand experience, but also is observing other marriages around me. This leads me to start to compile a list of things or “tips” that can be used as a guide to help stay connected and nurture your marriage. While these may not be revolutionary in the realm of marriage counseling, they are good reminders for us to follow…

TIP #1 – “I Love You”

Now, this 3 words may not need explanation, but they are the three words that you should make sure that they are heard at least 3 times a day by your spouse. They are strengthening words that encourage and affirm why you either asked or agreed to spend the rest of your life with this one person.

More importantly, they need to be said with conviction… with emotion. If they are said in a mundane or routinely manner, they should rather be not said at all. Habitual proclamations of love mean nothing. Rather, remember back to when those 3 words were first expressed to that person or said by them when you were dating and what that felt like. The elation. The seriousness of the matter. Try to recapture that same intensity the next time you say it. Hold them, look into their eyes, and proclaim it.

You will be surprised the power and strengthening that can come from three simple words – from eight single letters.